my second federal crime

10 Feb

this is it.

they’ll be coming for me any minute now.

not just the campus police from across the river or the parking authority downtown. not even the city police or heaven forbid the state troopers.

nope. i didn’t start with any small time crime.

i stole from the federal government.

Press A Penny

photo by flickr user: thinklia

and this time it wasn’t just defacing that penny at dollywood.

this time my crime against country was perpetrated against the united states postal service. believe me . . . i’m as surprised as you are. after the serendipitous surprise i found in my mail box this week, the post office was last on my list of government buildings in which to pull a heist. (note to self: work on this list as proof for court date.)

avoiding the security cameras, i'm sure

it was a busy day at the 18018 branch. i’m convinced it always is. that the workers send out some kind of crazy pheromone attracting the masses just before they decide to take a lunch break.

window closed.

line out the door.

i was there to mail a package, but couldn’t find the right size mailer at home, so slipped the steel-faced line keepers a smile and squeezed between them to grab a mailer. i slipped the goods inside, wrote the address from memory, and zipped to the back of the line.

and waited

and waited.

after ten minutes, zero movement, and the lingering scent of sausages and rock salt, i remembered: the automatic mailing machine in the lobby!

there was no one there.

it was a straight shot.

two minutes and five dollars later i’m strutting home, system-beater and line-avoider extraordinaire.

if you’re a rule-following citizen and not a hardened criminal like myself, you’ll realize my crime. i never paid for the mailer. my life down the tubes for $1.64.

the tapes will show that i looked like a pro. quick in and out at the busiest time of the day, polite but unassuming, waited an appropriate time in line for everyone (including myself) to forget the mailer grab. no one would believe this was a first offense.

i looked over my shoulder, expecting newman himself to be tracking me from the trees, but no one was there. it was too late to go back, they’d never understand. i speed walked home and began to get my affairs in order.

as i sit here waiting for the buzz from downstairs, the imminent arrival of hunky FBI agents, and a slow motion exit to the police car, i ask you just one thing. remember me as you knew me yesterday, before this horrible slip-up. i don’t want my crimes against the postal service to haunt your dreams as they have mine.

you don’t deserve that.

also, if you don’t mind, grant me this last request: stick an extra forever stamp on your letters to me in prison. justice must be served. my $1.64 debt to society must be paid.



9 Responses to “my second federal crime”

  1. elizabeth February 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

    Fantastic. I’ve been consorting with a known felon. When I drove you and Luke to the airport, you were fleeing the law, weren’t you? Because everyone knows that Illinois has especially strict extradition laws, especially around Christmas.

    • dearabbyleigh February 10, 2011 at 2:49 pm #

      yep. you got it. should have let you in on the plan, but didn’t want to make you an accomplice.

  2. little sis February 10, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

    people are staring at me in the beaman because i was laughing out loud reading this! thanks for sharing the saga sis :)

    • dearabbyleigh February 10, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

      this is my goal: to punish with embarrassment people who get to have bongo everyday!

  3. Emily @ The Pilot's Wife February 10, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

    For shame, Abby. FOR. SHAME.

    I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. *sob*

    • dearabbyleigh February 10, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

      i am cellmate 615 at the pennsylvania state penn. :)

  4. Arianne February 10, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    I just dont know what to think…I…I…I’m printing out this confession as evidence and walking straight to the post office…

    • dearabbyleigh February 10, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

      that’s exactly what a real friend should do. i need help, and i’m ready to admit it.

  5. Mom February 11, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

    Oh this is so good! My little girl, a thief.

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